i love/hate my heels

Everyone is getting married. EVERYONE.

I am at an age where engagements and shotgun weddings are raining down all around me. And it’s really starting to chap my ass.

And before you ask, no I’m not bitter. Sure I want to get married someday, but I look at the people I do know who are married and I do not envy any of their relationships. Granted, I do occasionally feel behind in the race to the aisle. I have a small amount of fear at the thought of being that single creepy cat lady. But all of that aside, I am happy being footloose and fancy free.

My issue is not with the institution of marriage, my issue is with the vicious cycle that is the wedding.

I am a non-traditional person. I am okay with one day having a non-traditional wedding. I would love to break the rules and NOT make my friends break their bank accounts for overpriced satin dresses they will never use again. But at the same time I am torn. Where’s the payback for all the wedding hoops I’ve jumped through if I make it easy on all the past Bridezillas? It’s a vicious cycle. Maybe though, through my sacrifice, others will learn that we need not be enslaved by norms of society.

Don’t get me wrong. I love weddings. Well, as long as they’re not dry weddings. I shudder to think… witnessing all those relatives and old friends single and sober. Ha! Not on your life. How do they expect people to dance if the wedding is dry?? The open bar is the only small reimbursement we get for our trouble.

That being said, I propose some new rules. Like, how about the wedding party doesn’t have to give gifts to the couple?
Let’s face it, they already got their engagement party (and gift), the bachelorette party where they paid for nothing, throw in a bridal shower (yet another gift), and then you made me purchase an ugly dress and shoes. If it’s a destination wedding the total just keeps rising, all because you a) found the love of your life b)got tired of waiting for the love of your life or c) got knocked up. And now you dare say I need to bring another gift to the actual wedding??

At this point I feel my gift is my good company. Enjoy, I’m sure you’ll still get plenty of swag from Aunt Ester. I mean sheesh, would you also like my first born?

Moving on, let’s not forget the rite of passage that is: The Bridesmaid Dress. A topic of argument worldwide. First off, let’s dispel a couple of the myths that brides will ladle on you.

Myth #1. This dress will look good on everyone. No, no it won’t. Let’s look at the facts. Unless it just so happens that all your bridesmaids are clones or identical twins, this will not be true. This isn’t the Sisterhood of the Traveling Bridesmaid Dress. It is not magical; it is satin, or some other unforgiving fabric. Every girl is built differently. We all know it’s the luck of the draw depending on what shape you choose for us. It’s fashion roulette at best.

Of course you all know the biggest myth.

Myth #2. You can totally wear it again.
No, you can’t, and you know why? BECAUSE IT’S A BRIDESMAID’S DRESS, THEREFORE IT LOOKS LIKE A BRIDESMAID’S DRESS. When was the last time you saw a girl at da club in tea length anything?? And because I don’t like getting laughed at in public I will never be wearing this taffeta tragedy again. Give it to me straight, you alabaster-wearing monster.

Let’s get creative people! Let’s start making our own rules for this cataclysmic event! Let’s have some consideration for your fellow man!

That being said, this rant is all based on the overwhelming evidence that I will be marrying someone really poor. If for some reason my dreams really do come true and I marry the Prince of Monaco feel free to throw this whole blog in my face. Because I will be having the biggest ‘effing wedding you’ve ever seen. An eye for an eye bitches. An eye for an eye.