Good Grief

I know I have dropped the ball a bit on posting here. And I know you miss me. But I no longer have the pleasure of sitting in front of a desk for eight hours a day reflecting on the trivial insanity that is my life. I am now a cosmetology student, which, for people with my lack of work ethic, is REALLY intensive. Therefore, my whole life is lacking in the usual scrutiny and attention that it would normally be given.

That being said, I also do not have time for guys in Windbreaker Pullovers. So, if anyone was looking forward to a post on how our date went, I will just say it was fine. As in, the conversation was cordial, the meal was good, and he was super nice. Super nice, by the way, is the kiss of death when describing a possible suitor. I found that no matter how nice Windbreaker Pullover was, I never thought about him when he wasn’t around. There were no butterflies. There was more of an overwhelming feeling of blah blah blah. Blah means a lack of flaws with which I can relate too.

Most people would say that makes me a bitch and it’s true. I like assholes, probably because it makes me feel better about being one. And for all the whining I do about boys and jerks I know deep down that it is dating karma. I completely deserve most of what I get. This is because for all my confidence when it comes to breaking up, I would rather tear my own toe nails out then have an honest adult conversation that ends with me simply saying to his face "I do not want to go out with you anymore". Instead, here are a few of my favorite break up tactics:

Tactic 1:The Break Up Letter. I once ended up dating a guy for a month who I had been pretty good friends with. I quickly started getting the relationship hives. I felt short of breath, tightness in my chest and suddenly every man on the planet seemed to be 100% more attractive. So I decided it would be best to let him know in a poignant and well written email that we were breaking up. Turns out this email went straight to his junk mail. So, a few ignored calls later, I was forced to notify him of our breakup by directing him to the e-mail via text message. He asked me still to please call him to discuss the finer points of the letter. I, instead, feigned exhaustion and a bad attitude as an excuse to not talk. I’m sure it became clear to him that I have the emotional maturity of a twelve year old. If he’s reading this I’m sure he’d agree now that he dodged a bullet. Sadly this is technology’s fault. Back in the day I was able to be so much more personable handing my dear john letters straight to the unlucky recipient .

Tactic 2: The Fade. This is a tactic I was taught by a good guy friend in college. I typically reserve it for someone I have only been out with a few times. It is a very simple and passive aggressive method of disconnecting from someone. Perfect for the relationship weenie such as myself. It is done by a lengthening of time in between contact. You become suddenly unavailable (by no fault of your own mind you). Calls go from half a day to return, to full days. Eventually you are but a casual check-in on a weekly basis. Your disappearance from their life is so gradual they themselves can’t really explain how it happened. The key to this tactic is people’s need to not look needy. The social rules about how often you can call without looking like a stalker truly helps taper off any unwanted future dates.

Tactic 3: The “It’s You, Not Me”. This is obviously a classic. When you think you don’t want to be with someone anymore, but you don’t feel you quite have a case built up against him to defend your decision. Enter emotionally unstable hot-and-cold girl. She lives within every female (although granted, some girls' crazy lives a little closer to the surface than others). This is when you start fights about absolutely nothing just so you can work your way up to fighting about something else entirely. For example, I once got in an argument with a boyfriend because I hated when he said my name after a statement. I found it condescending. The fight ended with how he didn’t remember my birthday three years in a row. You see what I did there? I am now the victim because he did something wrong. I am now justified and he feels it is his fault that I had to break up with him.

So, I am through being the “victim” in dating. We get what we give and I have given plenty of grief. So I am taking my current grief in stride and seriously contemplating being nicer to Super Nice guys. Starting…..with the next one. Maybe.

Lookin' for love in virtual places....

While Slut-urday is always a good time, today we have invited our friend Lauren, a seasoned pro, to impart some of her own dating wisdom...

Actually, the song goes "I was lookin' for love in all the wrong places, Lookin' for love in too many places...".  As a single 31 yr old woman who’s been in many serious and long term relationships, none of which have resulted in even an engagement, I am adopting this as my theme song. Thanks, Johnny Lee.

I’m not supposed to date people I work with, blind dates are drying up because my friends and all their friends are spoken for, and, after age 25, people tend to go to bars to hang out with the people they they came with, not to meet new people. Therefore I’m left with [drumroll please]…online dating.

Slut-urday

I found out last week that the douchebag that I had recently been dating was, as fate would have it, dating someone else. (Thank you facebook for always revealing to me the unfortunate truth). So Saturday night my roommates and I hit the town with one mission: to meet men. The real reason was to pet our recently bruised egos, and pseudo-celebrate how great it is to not be dating, because dating is the absolute worst. We made our intentions known. And thus, we decreed that Saturday would henceforth be known to us as Slut-urday.

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