The Elusive Noneaters
Last week marked the glorious end of my job and the training for my replacement. This poor girl showed up all charisma, perfection and motivation. She reminded me so much of myself just a year and half ago. In comparison, I now have replaced my professionalism with sneakers, wet hair and an admittedly snippy attitude. My boss knows how to hire a pretty young girl in her twenties. He also knows how to break her spirit and rob her of her work ethic.
After introducing her to the spreadsheets that would soon be her life I told her that she could go to lunch if she wanted. That’s when shit got weird. New Girl looked at me like I had asked her to sit on her own head.
“I’m one of those people who only eats once a day,” she tells me.
I was befuddled. Who are these people I wonder? Kate Moss? Is there a whole population of people I don’t know about who just eat once a day? Strike one against the new girl.
Later that day I was eating some carrots when New Girl cocked her head to the side and said, “You and your snacks…it’s so cute.”
Whoa whoa whoa. Just because you take your nutrition tips from the Mary Kate Olson guide doesn’t mean I am a freak for eating carrots. There is nothing cute about carrot eating unless you are a bunny. I thought about leaning my head and saying “You and your eating disorder…just adorable.”
Day two of training I endured a two hour story about her getting in a tiff with her boyfriend after he discovered she wasn’t eating all day. Seems he also has not met these elusive non-eaters. New girl is 5”6 and 110lbs and says she is trying to gain weight by working out, but she just can’t seem to keep the pounds on. I tell her that I’ve heard that eating may help. Again she looks at me as if I’m the dumbest person on the planet as she painstakingly explains to me that she is not hungry.
Interesting enough her stomach did not seem to agree because it started growling all loud and crazy. I wondered if I should break the news to her that this means her stomach is crying for nourishment. Perhaps, she never learned to interpret these signals. New Girl goes on to explain that her boyfriend forced her to bring a banana (how dare he). She had decided to refuse to eat it, because what if it made her need to poop. I just nodded and tried not to reveal that I thought she was completely nuts as I counted down the hours to freedom. At least the boss insured that no one will be stealing his chips from now on.
After introducing her to the spreadsheets that would soon be her life I told her that she could go to lunch if she wanted. That’s when shit got weird. New Girl looked at me like I had asked her to sit on her own head.
“I’m one of those people who only eats once a day,” she tells me.
I was befuddled. Who are these people I wonder? Kate Moss? Is there a whole population of people I don’t know about who just eat once a day? Strike one against the new girl.
Later that day I was eating some carrots when New Girl cocked her head to the side and said, “You and your snacks…it’s so cute.”
Whoa whoa whoa. Just because you take your nutrition tips from the Mary Kate Olson guide doesn’t mean I am a freak for eating carrots. There is nothing cute about carrot eating unless you are a bunny. I thought about leaning my head and saying “You and your eating disorder…just adorable.”
Day two of training I endured a two hour story about her getting in a tiff with her boyfriend after he discovered she wasn’t eating all day. Seems he also has not met these elusive non-eaters. New girl is 5”6 and 110lbs and says she is trying to gain weight by working out, but she just can’t seem to keep the pounds on. I tell her that I’ve heard that eating may help. Again she looks at me as if I’m the dumbest person on the planet as she painstakingly explains to me that she is not hungry.
Interesting enough her stomach did not seem to agree because it started growling all loud and crazy. I wondered if I should break the news to her that this means her stomach is crying for nourishment. Perhaps, she never learned to interpret these signals. New Girl goes on to explain that her boyfriend forced her to bring a banana (how dare he). She had decided to refuse to eat it, because what if it made her need to poop. I just nodded and tried not to reveal that I thought she was completely nuts as I counted down the hours to freedom. At least the boss insured that no one will be stealing his chips from now on.
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4 comments:
Toooo good!
That is INSANE! This girl needs to put her head back on and get real.
Tell her to send the boss's chips my way...
hahahahaha! that's ridiculous!! I've never heard of these "people who only eat once a day" either LOL!
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