Movie Theater Nazi vs. Rainman Baby
I am the ultimate movie theater Nazi. I hear every bag crinkle, every baby cry and the biggest fight my roommate and I have ever had was because of her need to text message during a film. All the best movies come out around the holidays and my roommate and I were pretty excited about seeing Avatar, the new James Cameron film this past Saturday. Turns out we were not the only ones.
The place was packed and once we were in the door we knew it was a do-or-die seat situation and we had to move fast. In order to avoid the front rows we grabbed the first pair of seats we could find. Doing a 360 degree glance around the place we knew were in trouble. We had toddlers behind, in-front and beside us. This is a PG-13 movie. What the hell was going on? It looked like a daycare center.
Two minutes into the movie my fears were realized. The two year old behind me asked at full volume to no one in particular, “He is Avatar?” A question that would then be repeated through the entirety of the three-hour film.
I tried every socially acceptable way to silence this Rainman Baby. Which, I have since concluded that no socially acceptable strategies ever really work. I first tried the slow turn and glare over my shoulder at his oblivious mother. But was met with ”HE is AVATAR??”
I did the overly loud whisper to my friend of “OMG that kid won’t stop talking” in hopes his mother would be shamed into leaving. But still was met with only “He IS Avatar???”
I love children but this one had gone rogue. I finally worked my way up into a full-blown SHHHHHHHHH! This is a pretty offensive sound to make at a stranger’s child but I had reached my last straw. I almost wanted to shield my face in case his mom tried to hit me but she remained transfixed on the screen. I thought certainly this will subdue him, but you know what that little shit did? He SHHHHHHHHH-ed me back and then proceeded to keep SHHHHHH-ing me at will in between “Is he Avatars?”
I also had no back up. My friend had problems of her own. She was taking enemy fire from the other side. The little boy up the aisle kept shining a flashlight in her face, and when she would glare at him he would only smile back menacingly. It was our nightmare.
I don’t understand the point of bringing a child under the age of four to the movies. He doesn’t know what the hell is going on! And he won’t remember it! The only break we got from this little demon was a bathroom trip that he concluded by grabbing a handful of my hair as he settled back in his seat. It took every fiber in my being not to scream in his little face “HE IS AVATAR, THE BLUE GUY!!! RIGHT THERE!”
Where’s the solidarity! Every other adult in that theater was hearing or suffering through this! Yet, no one said anything. I, also being a coward, sat fuming silently through the rest of the movie. The last thing I needed was to get my ass kicked over a baby. Today I stand defeated.
Movie Theater Nazi -0. Rainman Baby –1.
It's time for a new strategy. Until we meet again baby…
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5 comments:
Answering the kid would only give him the validation and open the gates to more, and more-intricate questions... I know.. I have two...
You're only option is to try and see it at weird, late-night hours... the challenge with that is that you're bound to have month old infants in there with they mommas and they baby-daddys...
Either way, you lose...
haha I remember that fight over texting... good times :)
That's why I always go see my movies by myself and in the middle of the day. Also, I'm not sure whose idea it was to serve popcorn and nachos in a theater, but he obviously wasn't taking crunch factor into consideration.
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